So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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