I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
