you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
