Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
