Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just want nice things and good sex
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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