I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
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