saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
