Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
