I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
