YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
