I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
