yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
