i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the condom got lost in my hair
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
