How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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