at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
