Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
