The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
