party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
