Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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