Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
