if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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