She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
