I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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