Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
