and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
