Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
