my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
