and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
