Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
