I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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