Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
