Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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