Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
