3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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