mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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