He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Less talking, more tequila
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Bring me that man meat
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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