So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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