My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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