You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
