Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
