you guys were way drunker than both of me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
