The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
