these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
