he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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