if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize