Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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