My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
worst night to have a conscience
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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