she woke up with a sticky ear
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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