I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
