Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
