Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
