dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
