so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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