By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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