I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
