The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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