Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
MIDGETS
????
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
