you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
