pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
